Closed Tubes


Thursday, March 30, 2017

I never know how much is too much to share. The struggle is real. Sometimes people overshare sometimes people undershare (I want to know and see what my friends are up to when they travel or when they're expecting, big life events, etc!). So I'm going to write this post, but there's a very good chance I'll delete it within a few hours.
When Chris and I got married one of the things we talked about was how many kids we wanted to have. Answer: 4. He comes from a family of 5 and I come from 3 so 4 seems like the perfect in between and balanced number. 4 kids in 10 years was our goal.
We got married in May 2007. Fast forward 2.5 years later to around October 2009 and we had just gotten Joey our dog as a puppy and I was working at a deadbeat job (still scrapbooking on the side but it wasn't paying the bills and I was still the breadwinner at this point while Chris was in dental school). I felt a little lost and like my life was going nowhere and had no purpose. It was then we prayed about it and decided that becoming parents would be awesome and fulfilling!
First month: negative pregnancy test.
Well crap!
Second month: negative pregnancy test. 
Oh no! We're broken!!
Third month: positive pregnancy test! 
YAY!!!!!!!!!
It was a very easy pregnancy, I only barfed a few times (which is one of my worst fears). I did gain like 75 pounds, but it all came off except for those last few darn 10 pounds.
Fox Thomas Evans was born easily and without complications, with a blessed epidural, on a beautiful day in Hollywood on October 14th 2010.
When Fox was about 8 months old I had a premonition at, get this, the Princess Pavilion at Disneyland that a little girl was waiting and wanted to be born in our family (funnily enough Jane really isn't into princess a whole bunch, ha!). And so we started trying once again to expand our family.
June 2011: negative pregnancy test.
July 2011: negative pregnancy test. 
August 2011: negative pregnancy test. 
DANGIT! What was wrong??? It only took three months to get pregnant with Fox!
September 2011: negative pregnancy test. 
October 2011: negative pregnancy test.
I was so sad and upset every. single. month.
November 2011: POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST! Yay we weren't broken!!
Again, blessedly and thankfully, another easy pregnancy. I only barfed a few times. I found out I was having a GIRL! I still gained tons of weight and again those last 10 pounds refused to budge, but all was worth it for my little Jane Catherine Evans born on July 28th 2012 WITHOUT an epidural (not by choice!).
Having Fox and Jane just shy of 22 months apart was hard but also has been such a blessing. I'm also glad looking back that we DIDN'T get pregnant the first month we tried or they'd be only 18 months apart and I think that would have been harder for me. 22 months was perfect for us.
So remember, we wanted 4 kids. We've been so happy with our Fox and Jane. A perfect little family traveling all around Europe and "living the life" as my dad always says. I told myself, "When Jane sleeps through the night we'll start trying again". She FINALLY started sleeping through the night at around 2.5 years old, but I just didn't feel ready. So then I said, okay, after this big road trip. That road trip came and went. Okay, after this cruise. After that cruise. Cruises came and went. Okay then, after CHA. Finally, after CHA 2016, I felt like it was time. I also then realized that Jane would be almost 4 by the time we had another kid if we got pregnant right away. I never meant to have kids 4 years apart, let alone now we're going on almost 6 years apart!
February 2016: negative pregnancy test.
March 2016: negative pregnancy test.
April 2016: negative pregnancy test.
May 2016: negative pregnancy test.
June 2016: negative pregnancy test.
July 2016: negative pregnancy test.
August 2016: negative pregnancy test.
I was officially sad and disappointed and upset and depressed. We had now been trying for longer than it took to get pregnant with Jane.
September 2016: negative pregnancy test.
October 2016: negative pregnancy test.
November 2016: negative pregnancy test.
December 2016: negative pregnancy test.
January 2017: negative pregnancy test.
February 2017: negative pregnancy test.
I finally gave in and contacted a fertility clinic and my first appointment was at the end of February 2017. I was hoping I'd miraculously get pregnant and not have to go through any of this. At the first appointment I met with a very nice doctor and she did an ultrasound and all looked good and normal with my uterus and eggs. Chris came in a week later and everything looks good on his end.
March 2017: negative pregnancy test.
I was so hoping for a positive test again to avoid this hassle. Instead I went in for my 2nd appointment on day 3 of my cycle and they took three vials of blood. 
Today was my 3rd appointment, day 9 of my cycle. From the blood tests everything looks good except my thyroid was a little high or low, I can't remember. The doctor was going to prescribe me some pills. I was going to ask for Clomid, the miracle drug!
But then he did a dye test to see if there was anything blocking my tubes.
The dye didn't even go through my tubes.
Problem found.
I am sooooo sad. Why are my tubes closed/blocked? What happened? Is it something I could have prevented? Am I too old to have more kids? Is our family complete at 4? If so, I wish I would have savored those pregnancy and baby moments more than I did!
Now what?
The next step is to have surgery where they go in and see what's blocking my tubes and if they can fix it and then we'd have a slightly higher chance of getting pregnant. If not, the next step would be IVF. It's a lot for me to process right now. I never thought we'd have this much trouble getting pregnant after getting pregnant pretty easily with Fox and Jane. Jane keeps drawing pictures of me with a baby in my belly!! She wants to be a big sister so badly.
I also just want to add that I know I am so very deeply blessed to have Fox and Jane. I know so so so many others who can never have children. If we are done having children, I am happy, I feel complete, and we may even go down the adoption road if that's what our prayers prompt us to do!
And so, I end asking for a prayer and any words of wisdom or advice you may have. We are now officially struggling with infertility. Welcome to the club :)

27 comments

  1. Hi Paige. Thanks for sharing this part of your journey. I can completely relate as my husband and I tried for 5 years before we decided to give IVF a go. Luckily, I got pregnant on my first round... with twins! So don't give up, who knows where this path will take you! Much love, Maria x

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  2. Thank you for sharing your story Paige. I have zero experience with pregnancy but I do know there is power in prayer and I am praying right now for you and your precious family. Stay strong! :)

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  3. I'm sorry to hear about this. Hopefully the surgery will be able to resolve the problem. Also don't worry about over sharing. You felt the need to write this and you have every right to. The last thing you should worry about is what other people will say. I'm sending you positive vibes and prayers. Take care of yourself. Michelle Gallant

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  4. Oh Paige! I'm crying as I write this because this hurts my heart so much. I can empathize with that pain and feeling "broken"! It's the worst feeling as a woman! But, it's a blessing to know there are options and to know what's causing the infertility...let me know if you ever need to chat with a fellow infertile ;) you've got this, at the end of it, when you're holding your next little bundle of a baby, you'll appreciate it all so much more than you can ever imagine. The baby, the process, the experience, it will all be a sort of spiritual journey more wonderful than you'd ever imagine! Love you friend!

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  5. Oh Paige...Big hugs! Well, I don't know whether or not you believe in this, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we might never understand why. From experience I also know that our subconscious has such a huge effect on us...Body and mind off balance...That sort of stuff. The more you want it the less likely you get it. You know what I mean? I know it's easier said than done, but you need to let go of this stress. Just say: if it happens happens, if not then you are still OK! I wanted to have 4 kids. My boyfriend none. We agreed on 2 but like you, for a long time after Maxim was born I didn't feel ready. Time went by so fast. And my bf didn't even want to hear about a second baby. It is still hard for me to accept. Just one child?! Is that all?! I love babies...This was never my plan! But we have to adjust our plans...Life is a constant change. I think you need to figure out if you are content with 2 kiddos...If you are, maybe you can change your plan. I always wanted to adopt too. But that process is depressing, I can't believe it, I mean sooo many kids need a better home and it is so complicated and a lengthy process to adopt one.
    I do get your disappointment! But you need to let go of it...When things don't happen to me I just say well they were not meant to be. Believe me, I know how hard it is to believe this when it comes to babies...Besides accepting I will never have more children, I had to accept I will never wear a wedding dress either (again, boyfriend's decision). Unfortunately plans don't always work out :(. Try to embrace changing plans. Having said all this, I do wish your dreams come true, one way or the other! Hugs X

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  6. I also had secondary infertility. Got pregnant the first time with my daughter within 3 months of trying. Due to divorce and life, I didn't start trying again until my daughter was 9. I got pregnant fairly quickly, but then same month I found out I was pregnant, I miscsrried. Got pregnant again and miscarried again so went to a fertility dr and got on clomid. After 4 miscarriages we decided to adopt and of course, as it happens, I got pregnant again. We adopted through foster care in June 2003 and in October 2003 our miracle baby girl was born. My oldest and youngest are 15 1/2 years apart to the day! (April 13,1988 and oct 13, 2003). It was not the way I planned it but it was def God's plan. My girls are 28 and 13 plus our other beautiful daughter who is 17. They all have such a good relationship with each other Keep faith and
    Know that God has a plan for all of you. ❤

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  7. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, I'm sure it will bring comfort to others who are also struggling as it did myself. I fell pregnant at nineteen years old and my son was stillborn, since then I have had three miscarriages all within the first twelve weeks of pregnancy. I am nearly 37years old now, both my partner and myself have agreed that we may consider adoption in the future but that living and loving the life we have is what is important to us. I wish you and your family all the best Paige, whatever your journey you continue to take I hope it works out for you. Love Laura xxxxx

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  8. Paige, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Infertility is hard. Just remember that Heavenly Father has a plan specifically for you and while it's difficult to understand it now, I believe that things will work out and you'll be able to look back and see His hand in your life at this time. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and hope you'll find direction for the difficult decisions you'll have to make. Love you!

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  9. Thank you for sharing this... I'm struggling right now as we always said we would have 3 or 4 and we only have 2 with my youngest being now 6 , I wanted to be in a bigger house so we would have room for them, and then I've found myself comfortable with only having two and I feel so guilty about all of it. Sometimes life and decisions are just hard... Will keep you all in my prayers and send positive vibes your way!

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  10. Oh Paige!!! It took us a few months too! I finally convinced Roger to let me get a ovulation test! It took us longer with the twins too but once I got the test it happened prettt fast, like this time. See I apparently have a longer cycle than average and predict my ovulation wrong. So I was about to say stop guessing when your ovulating and just get the test! But it sounds like you have another tube issue instead. I'm happy that found the problem. So you don't think they accidentally against your will tied your tubes right? Have you ever had a c section? I have both times and after my twins they nurse or whoever said hey are we tieing your tubes? I was surprised and said no!! So I just hope that didn't happen to you ;( I'm so sorry friend I understand the frustration of negative results! It's gets stressful! But I think you made the right move in getting help. So thankful for modern technology! Just s random thought, maybe it's not meant to happen until you are back home :) I think with the lord and drs on your side you will get the clarity you need :) miss you friend. So fun to learn you want more kids :) I've been so sick but I'm grateful!!

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  11. I believe that God has a plan for all of us, and for how many children we'll be blessed with. I had a miscarriage, a stillborn son, and two wonderful daughters, ten years apart. After many payers, and even more tears, I felt that this was God's plan for me. It took many years to complete our little family, but I can't imagine it being any other way. If you can somehow find a way to hand it over to God, maybe that would ease your heart. Infertility is difficult to deal with, and heartbreaking. I'm sending you a hug, and hope you find peace. ☺️

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  12. Paige, I'm so sorry. This is just such a hard, hard, hard and sad situation. I'm sending you prayers and hugs and I hope that the doctors can find out what's causing your tubes to be blocked!

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  13. Commented already at Facebook but had to take time to read this through the second time. Breaks my heart to be not able to help out. No wise words, nothing to do but hope for the best to happen.
    Keep on. Never give up.
    Hugs Paige, hugs on your way ❤️

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  14. Paige, I already commented on FB. Since you asked for advice: Perhaps consider an appointment at the "Deutsche Klinik" Bad Münder, while still living in Germany. Unfortunately, I can conpletely understand all you family has to go through with this. Wishing you and your husband well and thd best medical help possible.

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  15. Paige never worry about oversharing, if you feel the need to write it then you should! I'm very sorry that you are going through this, it doesn't matter that you have 2 healthy children when you want more and you can't the pain is still there. I believe that God doesn't give us more than we can bear even if I don't always understand HIS reasons for the trials. I will pray for you and hope that it all results in you holding a healthy baby in your arms!

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  16. Definitely praying for strength, comfort and peace for your family through all this! Have faith in God's plan for you and your family. He knows the desires of your heart. We can make our plans but the Lord establishes our steps (Proverbs 16:9). And don't worry about the age difference between your children. They will form a beautiful loving bond no matter the years in between. My kids are 11, 8 and 2 and we're still thinking about having another in the future. Having older siblings is a blessing and can be very helpful too! :) No matter what happens, I pray that your family will be closer and stronger - and hopefully larger ;)- after all is said and done. Just have faith and trust in God, in yourself and in each other. God Bless you all!

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  17. Thinking of you and praying for comfort, strength and guidance for you both. Sometimes it is really hard to know what to do, especially with something that is so close to your hearts. xxoo

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  18. I'm so sorry, Paige! Its a so hard situation, sending love and prayers and hugs your way! <3 I really hope that modern technology can solve this problem, and your dream came true!

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  19. Thank you for sharing your story.... I know it's not an easy one to share. I am proud that you did! Hugs, love and prayers to you that they find the problem, if not only for a future baby, but your overall health <3

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  20. Don't delete this post...it is great though the topic is sad. When I am medically not totally wrong you can easily get close tubes by just a cold or so. And it is more spread than one might think. It seems to be tabu...and one suffers lonely as a couple. That is what at least I oberserved among my friends...and there is so much to share with others in the same situation...in my opinion it is nothing to be ashamed for (ins that the right wording? Not sure)...I can only imagine how hard such a situation is...luckily I had never been into this myself...just see/saw 4 friends struggling/struggled...it is so sad. It wish that your dream family will come true and that you do not have to suffer any longer to get there.

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  21. Paige, you felt a strong pull to share your true feelings here because you know that you have unconditional support and love from so many and that your journey can bless others as well! I myself had a very hard time ovulating naturally and was on Clomid and Metformin to aid in ovulation. Patience and prayer got me through the very hard times when each pregnancy test was negative. I felt alone. Paige, you are not alone in this! We love you and are here for you! After a few years of trying and then seeing a specialist who wanted to do tests we couldn't afford We came home from the hour long drive to the big city crying and decided we should take a break from trying. I prayed that God would let me know on his timing when we should try again. That very night out of habit I used an ovulation strip in the restroom, and you know what?.....the ovulation test strip signaled (for the first time ever) that I would be ovulating! My husband and I decided to just be together that night for us. That ended up being the night we conceived! It was the most miraculous time of my life. I am grateful for my son, he is 7 now! I wasn't able to have any more children after that, and in January of this year I had to have a hysterectomy because of endometriosis and cysts. That was a very sad decision, but I know it was the right one and my body is feeling so much better. I will be praying for you that you receive the answers and care that guide you and your husband towards hope! You are loved!

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  22. big hugs - you've got such a positive attitude and you know that there's a bigger plan... and what is meant to be, will be. **HUGS** love and support from here.

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  23. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles Paige and Chris. At the moment it's clearly a very difficult time, my hope is that you feel content with how it all turns out in the end - whether that's with 4 children, or 3, or 2. You don't have to try to be happy about it now, as this is new information for you and you have options in front of you. Best wishes.

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  24. My heart breaks for you but know your strength, fortitude and family will pull you through. I hope the next medical procedure will bring you the blessed miracle of another mini Paige-Chris (as the world needs more people like the two of you). Thank you for sharing your journey through life. I wish I had words of wisdom share but I do not. But know prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

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  25. I am so sorry Paige. Life isn't easy and it is full of surprises. You can always chose to adopt. That is what we were going to do if we couldn't have Edward. It sucks. I know. If it was up to me, I'd have three children driving me crazy instead of one. I am going to be 39 this year and my hubby and I talked about trying for another, but we are too afraid to go down that road again. I know what it feels to be sad and depressed losing or not being able to have a baby and I am so sorry you have to go through this. But like you said, there are millions of women who can't have any. Count your blessings and I mean that in a good way. You have a beautiful little family!! Hugs

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  26. I prayed for you. Stay strong.

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  27. I praise you for your strength in sharing! The club is big my friend and the more of us in it the more we can help each other! That feeling of brokenness is so familiar! After trying for 2 years of having our second child (and experiencing multiple losses) I too realized I was in the club! Had many tests done and they found nothing - I was told it was just 'bad luck'. So while it's so hard to accept and hear, find comfort in having answers. Doesn't take the pain away, but maybe it will ease the heart. We too went the IVF route and happy to report that after our first attempt we were successful and now have a wonderful 8 month old little boy. I never imagined my kids would be almost 5 years apart, but God has amazing ways to fulfill our desires! My advise is ONE DAY at a time and TRUST IN HIM! Big hugs from another one in the club! <3

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