Closed Tubes

Thursday, March 30, 2017

I never know how much is too much to share. The struggle is real. Sometimes people overshare sometimes people undershare (I want to know and see what my friends are up to when they travel or when they're expecting, big life events, etc!). So I'm going to write this post, but there's a very good chance I'll delete it within a few hours.
When Chris and I got married one of the things we talked about was how many kids we wanted to have. Answer: 4. He comes from a family of 5 and I come from 3 so 4 seems like the perfect in between and balanced number. 4 kids in 10 years was our goal.
We got married in May 2007. Fast forward 2.5 years later to around October 2009 and we had just gotten Joey our dog as a puppy and I was working at a deadbeat job (still scrapbooking on the side but it wasn't paying the bills and I was still the breadwinner at this point while Chris was in dental school). I felt a little lost and like my life was going nowhere and had no purpose. It was then we prayed about it and decided that becoming parents would be awesome and fulfilling!
First month: negative pregnancy test.
Well crap!
Second month: negative pregnancy test. 
Oh no! We're broken!!
Third month: positive pregnancy test! 
It was a very easy pregnancy, I only barfed a few times (which is one of my worst fears). I did gain like 75 pounds, but it all came off except for those last few darn 10 pounds.
Fox Thomas Evans was born easily and without complications, with a blessed epidural, on a beautiful day in Hollywood on October 14th 2010.
When Fox was about 8 months old I had a premonition at, get this, the Princess Pavilion at Disneyland that a little girl was waiting and wanted to be born in our family (funnily enough Jane really isn't into princess a whole bunch, ha!). And so we started trying once again to expand our family.
June 2011: negative pregnancy test.
July 2011: negative pregnancy test. 
August 2011: negative pregnancy test. 
DANGIT! What was wrong??? It only took three months to get pregnant with Fox!
September 2011: negative pregnancy test. 
October 2011: negative pregnancy test.
I was so sad and upset every. single. month.
November 2011: POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST! Yay we weren't broken!!
Again, blessedly and thankfully, another easy pregnancy. I only barfed a few times. I found out I was having a GIRL! I still gained tons of weight and again those last 10 pounds refused to budge, but all was worth it for my little Jane Catherine Evans born on July 28th 2012 WITHOUT an epidural (not by choice!).
Having Fox and Jane just shy of 22 months apart was hard but also has been such a blessing. I'm also glad looking back that we DIDN'T get pregnant the first month we tried or they'd be only 18 months apart and I think that would have been harder for me. 22 months was perfect for us.
So remember, we wanted 4 kids. We've been so happy with our Fox and Jane. A perfect little family traveling all around Europe and "living the life" as my dad always says. I told myself, "When Jane sleeps through the night we'll start trying again". She FINALLY started sleeping through the night at around 2.5 years old, but I just didn't feel ready. So then I said, okay, after this big road trip. That road trip came and went. Okay, after this cruise. After that cruise. Cruises came and went. Okay then, after CHA. Finally, after CHA 2016, I felt like it was time. I also then realized that Jane would be almost 4 by the time we had another kid if we got pregnant right away. I never meant to have kids 4 years apart, let alone now we're going on almost 6 years apart!
February 2016: negative pregnancy test.
March 2016: negative pregnancy test.
April 2016: negative pregnancy test.
May 2016: negative pregnancy test.
June 2016: negative pregnancy test.
July 2016: negative pregnancy test.
August 2016: negative pregnancy test.
I was officially sad and disappointed and upset and depressed. We had now been trying for longer than it took to get pregnant with Jane.
September 2016: negative pregnancy test.
October 2016: negative pregnancy test.
November 2016: negative pregnancy test.
December 2016: negative pregnancy test.
January 2017: negative pregnancy test.
February 2017: negative pregnancy test.
I finally gave in and contacted a fertility clinic and my first appointment was at the end of February 2017. I was hoping I'd miraculously get pregnant and not have to go through any of this. At the first appointment I met with a very nice doctor and she did an ultrasound and all looked good and normal with my uterus and eggs. Chris came in a week later and everything looks good on his end.
March 2017: negative pregnancy test.
I was so hoping for a positive test again to avoid this hassle. Instead I went in for my 2nd appointment on day 3 of my cycle and they took three vials of blood. 
Today was my 3rd appointment, day 9 of my cycle. From the blood tests everything looks good except my thyroid was a little high or low, I can't remember. The doctor was going to prescribe me some pills. I was going to ask for Clomid, the miracle drug!
But then he did a dye test to see if there was anything blocking my tubes.
The dye didn't even go through my tubes.
Problem found.
I am sooooo sad. Why are my tubes closed/blocked? What happened? Is it something I could have prevented? Am I too old to have more kids? Is our family complete at 4? If so, I wish I would have savored those pregnancy and baby moments more than I did!
Now what?
The next step is to have surgery where they go in and see what's blocking my tubes and if they can fix it and then we'd have a slightly higher chance of getting pregnant. If not, the next step would be IVF. It's a lot for me to process right now. I never thought we'd have this much trouble getting pregnant after getting pregnant pretty easily with Fox and Jane. Jane keeps drawing pictures of me with a baby in my belly!! She wants to be a big sister so badly.
I also just want to add that I know I am so very deeply blessed to have Fox and Jane. I know so so so many others who can never have children. If we are done having children, I am happy, I feel complete, and we may even go down the adoption road if that's what our prayers prompt us to do!
And so, I end asking for a prayer and any words of wisdom or advice you may have. We are now officially struggling with infertility. Welcome to the club :)

Paige Taylor Evans © // Quinn Creatives DESIGN